Kawasaki Z Owners Queensland
Laughter is the best medicine!
Members... send in your best jokes, funny videos and pictures and they will be posted here!
Australiana
An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, Northern Territory, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
Submitted by Darryl Thomson
Logic
This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply,
but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account
and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: So, where’s your airplane?
Submitted by Beno
Submitted by Beno!
Hitler Lost His Bike.... submitted by Darryl
Aussie Bush Poetry
This is a very funny clip and worth a listen. Thanks to Darryl for sending it in!
CHINESE TOUR GUIDE
There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai , I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements. She got excited and said:
"sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"
Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality! But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said :
666 136 429
Submitted by Anonymous
WHY DO MEN DIE FIRST!
Submitted by Steve Harriman
Tickets for Sale
Darryl Thomson
A mate of mine has two tickets for the AFL Football Grand Final.
Box seats plus airfares, accommodation etc., but he didn't realise when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in Toorak Rd. Toorak at 3.00pm. Her name's Louise.
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher,
"Are you sure about the stork, miss?
I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the seaside."
Submitted by Darryl
Now, I’m not biased at all ………….. well maybe a little bit!!
Submitted by Darryl
IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO SELL CARS. SOME OF US ARE GOING TO BE IN DEEP SH#T!
Just as I figured, battery not included!
Submitted by Darryl
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story, (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)?
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks".
Sent in by Darryl
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People...
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister,or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes... one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Men Are Just Happier People!
Sent in by Watto
Senior Happenings....
Sent in by Darryl Thomson
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just read this; you'll begin to think you're a genius!!!
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey.
Bloody Queenslanders
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New." The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, "Make mine a VB." To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers." And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke." The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.
"Well, he said with a shrug, if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
Sent in by Dave
Sent in by Dave
Senior Happenings....
Sent in by Darryl
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky, basketball forward .
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California…practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?
Sent in by Darryl